If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
scared to check what name she chose
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron