Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
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Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
wish me luck lads
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Hmmmmm
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!