My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I had to Stop for this
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.