DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.