If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.