Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
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Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
*puts my mental health in rice
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.