If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.