People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha