[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
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You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.