Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
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KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.