Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.