I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If you love someone, let them sleep.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.