My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
You Might Also Like
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
broke down and did it
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
road rage
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.