What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
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I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Monday
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.