If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Happy weekend !
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month