@doktorj: If we were in a fight, I'd mop the floor with you...
Except I don't do housework.
@Nikkeya08: I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react... turns out if i die he'll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips...
@sbellelauren: i don't think i can go back to a white president
@d_duhwit: *baby crying on plane*
Guy beside me: Can there be anything worse then a baby crying on a plane.
Me *pulling out kazoo*: Let's find out.
@anildash: Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying "My, uh… friend said…"
@BoozeWallet: [pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics