@doktorj: If we were in a fight, I'd mop the floor with you...
Except I don't do housework.
@dafloydsta: *whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
@GrantTanaka: January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
@causticbob: I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. 'Dad, that's the first time'
'That's a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.'
So I robbed a bank
@SamuelHLowe: Aliens must know that we're an easily conquerable race if they've ever seen us try to cancel a printer job.
@RdrJay47: Me: Wow, you're glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive...
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?