If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!