If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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