@Underchilde: If we’re talking and I suddenly look off into the distance at a copse of trees that means I’m thinking of burying you there.
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@KentWGraham: My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
@Reverend_Scott: American Horror Story: Walmart Bathroom
@DanMentos: [first day of work as a 911 operator] "Hello, 911" Hi someone's trying to break into my house "holy shit call 911"
@oakhillbargrill: Spreads legs... Nope Spreads two other legs .... Nope Spreads two others .... Dammit, no Spreads last two.... BINGO!! - spider sex
@That_Damn_Duck: I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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