Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already