If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.