I have never related to a cat more
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I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.