i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
You Might Also Like
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
much to think about
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse