[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
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Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me, in DM rooms…
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.