If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
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Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.