If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin