If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho