“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
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Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“I wouldn’t.”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.