If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
incredible
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox