I’m having an out of money experience.
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The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault