If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.