on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
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Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I love art.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.