my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..