@Brentweets: If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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@skitzoette: Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I'm not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
@beefman138: I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.