If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
😂😂😂
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?