Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?