Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldnât you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
iâm such an introvert i donât even talk to myself
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Iâm so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I did the universal sign for âcall meâ and my tween gave me a confused look and asked âon a banana?â
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
đ€Łđđ€Ł
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, âYou know, itâs funny…â
âStruggling with insomniaâ sounds like youâre just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it wonât stop waving its arms around.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs âcricket styleâ which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just⊠rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Called it
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! đ You got this đȘ
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes