[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel