If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Guilty! 🤪
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom