A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
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Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
My work here is done
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no