Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
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I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
this is literally a CIA plant
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.