Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
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They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.