@TheTweetOfGod: If you asked Jesus on the cross what he wanted the holiday marking his death to be called, "Good Friday" would not have leaped to his mind.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.
@Brampersandon_: "Sir u have a hernia" "Haha c'mon doc don't u mean a HISnea?" "No I meant hern-" "Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?"
@hippieswordfish: it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'
@QwertyJones3: [Blue whale documentary] This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day. Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I'm kind of a foodie.