*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
You Might Also Like
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.