@BadassBarbie11: If you blow out the kid's Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
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@Reverend_Scott: If I were a superhero, I'd be Pizza Man. My one-liners would be cheesy, and I'd save you in 30 min or less, or your next criminal is free.
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you're auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say "OK I'll let you know"
@T_Bonezzz: If you're with me when I die, remember 2 things: 1) Do Not Resuscitate 2) Smash Phone on Ground
@Quartzjixler: Speed dating (Don't say anything embarrassing) "So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?" (DAMMIT!)