Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You Might Also Like
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”