Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
You Might Also Like
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
More like Kate Missington.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.