If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I don’t make the rules sorry
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.