If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient