If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
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In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.