Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Saw your ex at the shops
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls