If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.