If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl