If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
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INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.