If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
notice
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.